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The case of Christian Ulmen and Collien Fernandes shows how thin the line is between sexual fantasy and transgression – and what couples can learn from it.
“You virtually raped me” – these are the drastic words Collien Fernandes uses to describe what she supposedly experienced through the behavior of her husband Christian Ulmen. What did the actress say happened? Ulmen is said to have created fake profiles in the name of his wife for years, chatted with strange men, flirted and had sexual conversations. This is what Fernandes reports in conversation with the magazine “Spiegel”.
According to the report, Ulmen himself is said to have mentioned an “urge that was almost impossible to control” in an email. According to “Spiegel”, he has “unfortunately developed a sexual fetish”.
The case raises questions that go far beyond celebrity gossip: When does a fetish become problematic? And how do couples best deal with this?
Regina Heckert is the head of BeFree Tantra, a sexual advisor, author and expert on women’s desire. She is part of us EXPERTS Circle. The content represents their personal opinion based on their individual expertise.
How couples can deal with fetishes in a healthy way
So-called partner-related Fantasies as fetishes are by no means unusual. So the idea that your partner interacts sexually with other men or your partner with other women. There are many people who find it exciting.
A fetish in itself is neither good nor bad. It doesn’t have to be a problem as long as it doesn’t grow in secret. The key is openness and communication. A healthy approach means:
- talk honestly about fantasies
- reflect on your own needs
- respect your partner’s boundaries
- decide together what is possible
- Get support if necessary (e.g. therapy)
Not every sexual fetish can be implemented without harm, for example if the basic requirement, namely the consent of everyone involved, is not met. Or if it is secretly lived out behind the partner’s back. Then damage occurs that cannot be repaired. Openness can connect. Stealth can destroy.
Four steps prevent breach of trust in relationships
To prevent a massive breach of trust, four steps are crucial:
- Open conversation with your partner about your fantasies
- openly explain the violence of the inner compulsion
- Seek professional help to understand, mitigate or resolve the compulsive behavior
- continuous exchange throughout the entire process with your partner, instead of secret escalation
In this way, a problematic dynamic may even create an opportunity to deepen the relationship.
What is Fetishism?
According to the official definition, fetishism involves the use of objects (fetishes) “as stimuli for sexual arousal and gratification.” This is what it says in the globally recognized Diagnostic directory the World Health Organization. Fetishism includes, for example, the sexual desire for certain items of clothing or body parts (“foot fetish”).
What is important, however, is that fetishism is not automatically pathological. We only speak of a fetishistic disorder when these tendencies lead to suffering for the person concerned, impair everyday life or relationships, or cause (or could cause) harm to other people. “The need for the fetish can be so intense and compelling that it completely takes over the affected person’s life and has a destructive effect,” writes the patient portal “MSD manual“. However, in most cases this is not the case.
Colloquially, we know a fetish as special preferences, inclinations and orientations that deviate from the socially defined “norm”. In everyday life, in addition to the preference for objects, bondage (binding practices), role plays or sexual fantasies are often included.
When sexual fetishes are questionable
Fetishes are a normal part of human sexuality and can enrich relationships if they are lived consciously, respectfully and consensually. They only become problematic when they happen secretly and without consent and mutual trust is abused and destroyed.
This is what happens when a fetish
- compulsive, i.e. no longer controllable
- lived out secretly
- is more important than the relationship
- hurt others
- is lived out without the consent of others
- involves lying or deception
A fetish can become a kind of internal urge or even compulsion. In some cases, the behavior is experienced as an “obsession” – something beyond one’s control. However, an inner urge for a fetish does not release you from responsibility. Especially not when other people are affected.
A successful example: the Uwe case
A real example from practice shows that there is another way: He had the fantasy of watching his wife have sex with others. The idea excited him greatly and just wouldn’t let him go.
- Step 1: Reveal instead of hiding
He took courage and talked to his wife about it. At first she just had to smile and didn’t take her partner’s fantasy seriously. “I have a lot of fantasies too,” she said.
- Step 2: The reality check
Together they checked whether and how implementation would be possible, because not all fantasies are suitable for implementation. After a while they decided to give it a try – with clear agreements. The experience was intense but positive for everyone involved. The woman was able to experience herself in a new way, the man felt emotionally and sexually enriched.
- Step 3: Sustainable integration
The couple still occasionally lives out this fantasy to this day. This made them even happier, they emphasize, and closer to each other than ever before.
The case of Collien Fernandes and Christian Ulmen
The magazine “Spiegel” gave Christian Ulmen the opportunity to comment. His lawyers offered the journalists a background conversation. They therefore responded to some of the allegations. However, the conversation should not be reported.
In response to a BUNTE.de inquiry, Christian Ulmen’s lawyer announced on Thursday evening that “untrue facts are being spread based on a one-sided description.” Legal action should be taken. There was no further comment on the allegations.
So far there has been no further statement from him regarding the allegations. After Fernandes’ complaint, a preliminary investigation was initiated. So far it is unclear how the process will continue. Christian Ulmen is presumed innocent.
