The road to the point where an open relationship feels completely good is quite a long one. But I have decided to take this path and share with you my journey into the world of Non-monogamy to participate. And that doesn’t just include guru talk about freedom and ease, but also a good portion of tears, jealousy and normal mortality.

He didn’t want to be monogamous

Last summer I met someone who made it clear from the start that he didn’t want to be monogamous. I had only been in one relationship before that, and it was as monogamous as a relationship can be. If someone had told me back then that a year and a half later I would be living in a fairly open relationship that I don’t really know how to define – I would have laughed at them.

When my date said that he couldn’t be monogamous long-term, I decided to just have a good time with him and definitely not fall in love. Surprise: it didn’t work.

We both got pretty emotional with each other pretty quickly. So I started looking into the whole thing and realized that the storybook version of open relationship concepts is actually pretty cool. And above all: that he is worth it. Nevertheless, in our time together so far there have been a few situations in which… jealousy got on my nerves.

Fear that his emotional bond with someone else might become stronger

In my first relationship, I was in the comfortable position that my ex-boyfriend actually only had eyes for me, and I knew it. Now meeting my chosen one and my friends definitely feels different than it used to. It also feels different walking around town with him or talking about other women.

I know that he doesn’t love me any less if he has feelings for someone else – but I’m still far from getting to the point where I’m free from fear of loss and desire for exclusivity.

Insignificant questions become minefields

Insignificant questions like “What else are you doing today?” or “What did you do yesterday?” become a minefield. I know he wouldn’t lie to me. And he knows that it’s hard for me to hear that he met another woman yesterday. So he’s silent for a moment and thinks about how to word it. And I already know in that moment.

The problem is that I haven’t yet figured out whether and how much I want to know about it. But I can only determine what works best for me by trying it out. And sometimes when I try something out, I step on a mine and it feels like my heart is going to briefly explode with pain. It’s not easy to find the right amount – and until I find it, it will probably hurt from time to time.

I could see that he would rather be with her

Recently I was with him at night and we were looking at old photos. Then he got a call from a woman who is very important to him. She wasn’t feeling well, she was completely distraught, and he told me about it after the phone call. I could see that he would rather be with her at that moment.

So I told him to go to her. True to the motto: If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it’s yours. And yes, he came back. I’m sure he’ll keep coming back. But he’s not mine. And letting him go with the knowledge at that moment cost me the biggest overcoming of my life so far.

I am not free from jealousy

Why am I doing this to myself? Quite simply: because the idea of ​​an intensive time together without possessiveness and attacks of jealousy is wonderful. Of course I would like to have this kind of relationship.

Our relationship is of honesty and empathy – significantly more so than my previous monogamous relationship. I like that the tension between us is not lost and that, in fact, I am still relatively independent and unattached.

If I ever started liking another man, I know I could talk to him about it and he would understand. And yet I still find it difficult to accept that he could also like other women. I like the idea of ​​freedom, but I am not free from jealousy. I am not a guru.

I would like to say that I’m sure that will be the case at some point. That it will work without any problems at some point. But the truth is: I have no idea if it will ever happen.

But for now, love is there, and I believe it is still the most important thing.