Simone, 48 years old, reports: Our neighbor separated three years ago and has lived alone since then. My husband is increasingly helping with “heavy work” there – gardening, car, this and that. Lately he has been taking a shower beforehand and applying expensive perfume. He has been on sick leave for three weeks. When I come home from work, he is sitting on our terrace with the neighbor, flirting and joking. When I talk to him about it, he denies everything. There’s hardly anything going on sexually in our marriage. I’m extremely jealous, suffering – and can hardly concentrate at work.

Sexual advisor Regina Hecker answers and turns to Simone:

1. When “helpfulness” becomes an emotional affair

At first glance it all sounds harmless: a man helps a neighbor who is alone. But the frequent visits, the deliberate “dressing up” and the open flirting are clear warning signals.

Often something like this doesn’t start with physical infidelity, but with an emotional affair: attention, compliments, laughing together – all of this creates closeness and a tingling feeling that is sometimes missing in long-term relationships. To the outsider it seems like small talk, to those involved it quickly feels like falling in love.

Important: Even without sex, this can be highly problematic for the existing relationship because energy, time and intimacy migrate to the outside.

2. His illness – and your overwhelm: a dangerous cocktail

The fact that your husband is currently on sick leave reinforces the dynamic. If you suddenly have a lot of time, are perhaps physically weak and at the same time feel wanted, it is easier to slip into a kind of “spring rush”.

For you, the opposite pole arises: you work, come home exhausted – and find your husband at a flirty coffee party. This hits right at the heart and self-esteem.

Your strong feelings are completely understandable. Jealousy is not a sign of weakness, but rather an internal alarm system: Something is wrong here.

3. If he denies everything: Why you can trust your perception

Many of those affected then hear sentences like: “You’re exaggerating” or “You’re imagining it.” This denial often protects against responsibility – and maintains the pleasant situation with the neighbor.

Rely not only on his words, but also on the bigger picture:

1. Frequent visits
2. Conscious styling for the meetings
3. Visible flirting
4. Withdrawal from sexuality with you

These are not small things. You can take this seriously – even if your husband plays it down.

4. Talk – but properly: This is how you address the topic constructively

An accusatory conversation (“You have something with the neighbor!”) almost always leads to a dead end. A quiet moment without an audience is better.

Try I messages:

1. “I feel very insecure and hurt right now.”
2. “I notice that we are hardly close anymore while you spend a lot of time with her.”
3. “I need clarity about what’s going on between you – and what you want from our marriage.”

Make sure to stay specific. Don’t just ask whether something is going on, but also:

1. What does the contact mean to him?
2. What is he currently missing in your relationship?
3. Is he ready to set clear boundaries with his neighbor?

His reaction is crucial. Does he show insight and willingness to talk – or does he continue to block?

5. Your next steps: Protecting yourself from relationship struggles

No matter how he reacts, you need stability for yourself now.

Here’s what you can do specifically:

1. Set boundaries. Make it clear that open flirting on your patio is not acceptable to you.
2. Demand exclusive time. Arrange fixed times just for the two of you – without neighbors, without distractions.
3. Talk about the lull in bed. Not accusatory, but curious: What happened?
4. Get support. Couples counseling or even having your own conversation at a counseling center can provide enormous relief.
5. Take care of yourself. Sleep, exercise, conversations with people you trust – your mental health is more important than ever right now.

And an important thought at the end: You can’t control your husband – but you can decide what kind of relationship you want to have and what is no longer acceptable for you.

Sometimes such a break leads to honest closeness and a new beginning. Sometimes it shows that paths part. Both are painful – but clarity is more healing in the long term than tormenting uncertainty.